Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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