She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
