I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Randomize
