I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
