If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
