if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
