I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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