Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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