I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
