My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize