The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
