I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
