I am in a vortex of obligation.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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