I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize