sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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