So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
