Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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