And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
So much rum. So many feels.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize