New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
