You're completely useless in the revolution.
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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