Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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