glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize