I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
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