he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
this boner is exhausting
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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