There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
