and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
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