I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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