all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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