LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
