i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
