Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
