Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
