Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I just threw up on my dentist
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
