Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
