it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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