If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
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