Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
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