I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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