i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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