there's paper in my vomit.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
