Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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