It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
