My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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