I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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