Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
