now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
