I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
