I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
