why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
be right there i have to get my cape
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
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