sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Drake has all the answers
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize