what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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