I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
