1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I need a burrito and a hug.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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