Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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