So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
