Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
