I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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