"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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