So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
You can't just leave with hair like that
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
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