Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
